“Time is nothing but a line. We leave everything behind.” – Lady Gaga, “Wonderful”
My second (and second-to-last) year of college has been a game-changer, to be sure. Between renting my first place, paying my first bills, adopting my first cat, and working my first job, I am now, officially, no longer a teenager, and there’s no going back.
It didn’t feel good, at first. I inarguably run the most pleasant blog series here at MyCSU (depression, anxiety, mental illness, I don’t judge), and I cringe now at my earliest posts, written in a desperate attempt to feel okay again. It worked each time, but it never lasted. For too long, I pretended I was happy when I wasn’t, I blamed myself for what others did to me, and it’s taken me until now to realize that I was not in the wrong. I do not deserve to be bullied, and I should feel outraged instead of miserable when people mistreat me.
My first major depressive episode might be over now, and it’s taken me until now to see a counselor about it, but I stress to anyone who might be reading this, depression isn’t normal. It isn’t healthy or natural to be unhappy for months, but that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. You just need therapy like other people need insulin. We all have our own needs. I know I’ll get depressed again, and I also know that I won’t survive it on my own again. Talking to a professional is what makes the difference.
A lot of what’s helped, this past semester, is being done with AUCCs. I initially complained about having class until ten at night, but I prefer being busy - with film, with journalism, with the Collegian, with KCSU, with things that I love which bring positivity and passion into my life - over feeling like my life isn’t going anywhere.
I’ll be moving out of my townhome and into an apartment in June, and volunteering at the Collegian throughout the summer. Hopefully, I get this internship that I interviewed for yesterday, and, hopefully, it’s not too late to apply for a summer time slot at KCSU. I plan on attending group therapy sessions, and, of course, making time to visit home for a few weeks, and pay respects to my queen for one glorious evening.
After that, I’ll be the features editor at College Avenue magazine. Then, graduation (le gasp). And even later still…
Thank you for reading – some of you have read since the beginning, have followed my journey since this here gem, and I know you’ll continue to do so, even a year from now, when life takes me beyond the opportunities I made for myself, this year, here, at CSU. So…
Paws up, and go Rams.